Before remarrying many individuals are a little hesitant to remarry and rightly so. It is important that individuals look at the potential red flags of the person they are considering marrying. Unfortunately, too many people remarry a second time without getting a clear understanding of who are they are marrying. Therefore, I suggest that before remarriage individuals take a second look at the person they are marrying. For example, how does your potential spouse deal with stress, your children, his/her family. It is important to take time and explore how he/she treats others under pressure or stress.
A Friend First
Many step-parents worry about what their role should be with new step-children. Most professionals agree that the most important role that step-parents can take is the role of a friend. Step-parents who are placed in the role of decision maker for step-children early in the new marriage are being placed in a risky place. Be a friend first and let the biological parent do the disciplining. This isn´t a secret it is just plain smart.
Blending Yours, Mine, and Ours
Putting two families together takes a big effort from everyone involved. It is not easy to blend two families together, but it can be done. Here are a few ideas for helping you put your family together. First, prior to marriage or soon after marriage take time on a regular basis to discuss potential problems. Second, spend some time together as a whole family (this helps create new stories). Third, establish family rules such as in this family we don´t talk bad about each other, we support and lift each other up. Fourth, on a regular basis evaluate and re-evaluate what is working and what isn´t working. Let everyone discuss what their feeling and thinking. Fifth, each child should have some individual time with their biological parent.
Blending a family together takes a big effort, nevertheless, it can be very rewarding to everyone involved as all family members will learn how to resolve differences.
Take Time For Each Other
Many remarriages start off busy. Putting two homes into one, or joining one family with another. Such events make it difficult to really enjoy the new union that has been formed. Therefore, I suggest to all newlyweds that you take time for each other. It is helpful if you plan time for each other. Then you must make sure that you carry out your plans. It is in the first few months that you will establish patterns that will last throughout your marriage.
Building strengths in stepfamilies
The Vishers are experts in helping stepfamilies come together. They suggest that remarried couples should:
1) nurture the couple relationship so that the new marriage will survive and thrive
2) find person space and time to relax and unwind from the challenges of a stepfamily
3) nurture family relationships by spending time with each of the new family members
4) maintain a close parent-child relationship
5) focus on the stepparent-stepchild relationship
6) build family trust
7) stengthen stepfamily ties through a family discussion every week or two
8) work at keeping the bridges open to the children´s other household so that co-parenting can work smoothly
Avoiding a Second Spouse Like Your First
Too many times in our society people divorce and remarry only to find that their second spouse is much like their first spouse. Fortunately, some people have learned what signs to look so they can prevent remarrying a prototype of their first spouse. What are the signs to look for in someone who won´t be a good spouse? First, watch for controlling statements or actions. Second, listen to your instincts. Third, observe your potential partner in lots of settings rather than just a few (observe how he/she is around your family, his/her family, around your friends). Fourth, become friends before you take your relationship to a deep intimate level.
Fundamentals to Surviving in a Remarriage
In order to function effectively a step-family must have and maintain the following characteristics.
1st) They must be commited to each other and be willing to make the effort necessary to create change. Many people in their second marriage have said, "if I would have worked this hard in my first marriage we would have never divorced".
2nd) Everyone in a remarriage needs to feel a sense of unity, a feeling of closeness, and they need to feel like they are part of the new family.
3rd) Effective communication and problem solving is essential skill in new families. This requires extra time and effort in trying to understand each others needs.
4th) It is essential for clear boundaries to be established. Newly remarried couples need to establish rules and roles. This includes who does the parenting of the children. What is the step-parents role. These boundaries should be discussed early and often.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Remarriage: Ideas, Tips & Etiquette
Second, third, even fourth marriages are relatively commonplace in this day and age. While nobody applauds the high divorce rate in this country, we nonetheless recognize remarriage as a fact of life -- and a great opportunity for a happy new start (and a cool second wedding) for thousands of couples.
Second- or third-time-around couples often find themselves at a loss as to how to go about celebrating their nuptials -- as if a marriage that is not one's first is any less cause for celebration. Because the traditional picture of the blushing first-time bride and groom is growing increasingly less representative of those getting married, we at the Knot have put together some tips, ideas, and advice for all those going through this (still heady, still giddy) period of engagement and marriage, when you've been there, done that before.
Our outlook on this situation is "This Time, Do It the Way You Want It." Take advantage of whatever experience and maturity you've gained since the first marriage(s) and apply it to making this one the best!
ATTIRE
Brides: Be yourself. Let your personality shine through. Traditional garb is probably what you wore when you married someone else -- this time go for what you like! This also means that if you always wanted to wear the big white dress, but for some reason didn't get to before, do it now! Grooms: Take that money you would have used on a (new) tux and buy an Armani suit (or something else that makes you feel suave). Be as individualistic as the woman you are marrying.
Choose your attendants' attire with the same philosophy. They don't all have to wear the same thing, they don't have to wear tuxes, taffeta dresses, etc. Incorporate your personalities into the proceedings.
ENGAGEMENT
The very first people to be told of the upcoming wedding should be children either of you have from previous marriages. This is very important: Even if you are lucky enough to have children who adore your new husband or wife, if they are not the first to be told it can be very alienating for them. Your kids are going to have a brand-new stepparent -- no one should know that before they do, right? Right. Often, in a second marriage where there are children, the children will walk down the aisle ahead of the couple, making a strong statement that this marriage is an important step for all involved.
Although previously there was a stigma attached to announcing one's (second) engagement or wedding in the newspaper, there is no such stigma now. Check with your newspaper as to format.
SHOWERS
Because the couple probably has most necessary household items, go for interesting theme showers:
Self-Improvement: lessons for cooking, calligraphy, sculpting, ballroom dancing; scuba diving; museum or health-club memberships; a concert, readings, ballet, or opera series; a weekend at a spa.
Wine Cellar: wine glasses; corkscrew; wine rack; membership to a wine-of-the-month club; wine newsletter; wine-tasting classes.
Great Outdoors: gardening tools; skis; hiking/camping equipment; binoculars; rock-climbing lessons; a gas grill.
FINANCES
Money is not a very romantic topic. We can all agree on this. However, in an area as legal and binding as a marriage (and as fraught with emotion), it must be considered and discussed, to the mutual benefit of everyone involved. When a couple is remarrying, it is often an even larger issue, because chances are they have more possessions, investments, property, etc. In her book "Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage: Handling Delicate Financial Issues with Love and Understanding" (Betterway Books, 1996), author Patricia Schiff Estess talks about the "ABCs of Money Management: Accounts, Budgets, and Chores." She outlines several money-management strategies tailored for different situations and different personalities, for example, ways of pooling or not pooling income when there are children from previous marriages involved; the "one pot," "two pot," or "three pot" system -- which refers to how many bank accounts the couple will separately and jointly maintain, etc. It's a good book for anyone thinking of making the leap -- again.
Second- or third-time-around couples often find themselves at a loss as to how to go about celebrating their nuptials -- as if a marriage that is not one's first is any less cause for celebration. Because the traditional picture of the blushing first-time bride and groom is growing increasingly less representative of those getting married, we at the Knot have put together some tips, ideas, and advice for all those going through this (still heady, still giddy) period of engagement and marriage, when you've been there, done that before.
Our outlook on this situation is "This Time, Do It the Way You Want It." Take advantage of whatever experience and maturity you've gained since the first marriage(s) and apply it to making this one the best!
ATTIRE
Brides: Be yourself. Let your personality shine through. Traditional garb is probably what you wore when you married someone else -- this time go for what you like! This also means that if you always wanted to wear the big white dress, but for some reason didn't get to before, do it now! Grooms: Take that money you would have used on a (new) tux and buy an Armani suit (or something else that makes you feel suave). Be as individualistic as the woman you are marrying.
Choose your attendants' attire with the same philosophy. They don't all have to wear the same thing, they don't have to wear tuxes, taffeta dresses, etc. Incorporate your personalities into the proceedings.
ENGAGEMENT
The very first people to be told of the upcoming wedding should be children either of you have from previous marriages. This is very important: Even if you are lucky enough to have children who adore your new husband or wife, if they are not the first to be told it can be very alienating for them. Your kids are going to have a brand-new stepparent -- no one should know that before they do, right? Right. Often, in a second marriage where there are children, the children will walk down the aisle ahead of the couple, making a strong statement that this marriage is an important step for all involved.
Although previously there was a stigma attached to announcing one's (second) engagement or wedding in the newspaper, there is no such stigma now. Check with your newspaper as to format.
SHOWERS
Because the couple probably has most necessary household items, go for interesting theme showers:
Self-Improvement: lessons for cooking, calligraphy, sculpting, ballroom dancing; scuba diving; museum or health-club memberships; a concert, readings, ballet, or opera series; a weekend at a spa.
Wine Cellar: wine glasses; corkscrew; wine rack; membership to a wine-of-the-month club; wine newsletter; wine-tasting classes.
Great Outdoors: gardening tools; skis; hiking/camping equipment; binoculars; rock-climbing lessons; a gas grill.
FINANCES
Money is not a very romantic topic. We can all agree on this. However, in an area as legal and binding as a marriage (and as fraught with emotion), it must be considered and discussed, to the mutual benefit of everyone involved. When a couple is remarrying, it is often an even larger issue, because chances are they have more possessions, investments, property, etc. In her book "Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage: Handling Delicate Financial Issues with Love and Understanding" (Betterway Books, 1996), author Patricia Schiff Estess talks about the "ABCs of Money Management: Accounts, Budgets, and Chores." She outlines several money-management strategies tailored for different situations and different personalities, for example, ways of pooling or not pooling income when there are children from previous marriages involved; the "one pot," "two pot," or "three pot" system -- which refers to how many bank accounts the couple will separately and jointly maintain, etc. It's a good book for anyone thinking of making the leap -- again.
Thursday, 24 February 2011
Marriage: To Wait or not to Wait, That is the Question
Marriage: To Wait or not to Wait, That is the Question
By Baiyinah Siddeeq
Reprinted from AbuZubair.com
"I don't care if I am 55 when I finish school, I will not get married until I finish my education."
The above is a quote from a young Muslim woman pursuing what she calls her "education." Unfortunately, her strong dedication to finishing the Western undergraduate and graduate university "education" system reflects the ever-growing trend among young Muslims in this society: to wait until they posses a "degree" before entertaining the prospect of marriage. What is even more grim is the fact that these young Muslims' parents reflect the same diseased ideology.
Marriage has Become a Bad Word
Somehow, the Western system of "education" has replaced Islam as the central priority in Muslims' lives. This blind dedication to obtaining a degree is so ingrained in the Muslim family that if a daughter herself is interested in marriage, the parents will forbid the matrimony solely on the grounds that she must finish school. Thus, marriage has virtually become a bad word in several Muslim circles if that word "marriage" is at all connected with the marriage of a "daughter" who has not finished "school," i.e. "college." Of course, if she has not finished high school, marriage is beyond undesirable; it is unthinkable.
Such counterproductive thought processes are contributing to the breakdown of the Muslim ummah, and they are preventing the true establishment of Islam in our society and lives.
Every society has a foundation, and that foundation is the family. If we Muslims value obtaining Western college degrees more than we value establishing the foundation for an Islamic society, what does this say for the future of our ummah? Furthermore, what does it say about our claim that we are indeed Muslims?
It goes without saying that there is benefit to holding a college degree, but when weighed against the benefit of marriage, which is half of our religion, marriage heavily outweighs it. Thus, when we see that in the hearts and minds of Muslims the benefits or "urgency" of a college degree outweighs marriage, there is something seriously wrong in our ummah not to mention our thinking.
Although, on the surface, the issue of education versus marriage seems complex, the explanation for this phenomenon is actually quite simple: our basic values lie not in the akhira (Hereafter) but in the dunya (wordly life). Whenever we are presented with an order from Allah or His Messenger (i.e. marriage), we fulfill that order only in so much as it does not prevent us from attaining the glitter of the dunya. For many of us, if the order inconveniences our dunya too much, we ignore the order all together -- hence, the quote above. For most of us, if something must give -- dunya or akhira -- the choice is simple: akhira goes first. Hence, we have the prioritizing of school versus marriage.
Preoccupation with Age
Another phenomenon prevalent in our ummah that is weakening the foundation of our Islamic society (the family) and serves as a ground to delay marriage is Muslims' ever growing fascination with a chronological number attached to each person because that person happened to be born on a particular day in a particular year, commonly termed "age."
Somehow, we have internalized the Western definition of "childhood" and "adulthood" so much so that we frequently refer to our young adult children of marriageable age as "children" or "too young" to marry. Both the labeling of adults as "children" and the excuse that adults are "too young" to marry are phenomena that are not only new to Islam but are inventions of the modern age in general. [Editor's note: dare we forget the ages of many of the sahaabah? How Usama bin Zaid led an army in his teens, and how we had "teenage" mujaahideen?].
And just as we follow the people of the world into the "lizard hole" of "education," we follow our modern teachers (who have replaced the Prophet (saw) as our example) into the "lizard hole" of obsession with age. And just as holding a college degree has become the single most important accomplishment of the young Muslim and her family, so has age become the most significant determinant of whether or not a person is "ready" to marry.
Solutions
The question is, what do we do about it? First, we must reclaim our Islamic identity and reevaluate our purpose on this earth. When we do this honestly, we will discover that our purpose here is very straightforward: to establish Islam in our lives and then in the world at large. Everything else, such as attending a local university and obtaining a college degree, falls under the category of "accessories," i.e. "not necessary." Thus, when a Muslim is faced with the prospect of marriage, which falls under the category of "establishing Islam," there should be no hesitation, and any desired "accessory" should be pursued only in so far as Islam is pursued. As a result, there is the possible scenario of, yes, a "young married college student," or dare I say, "young married high school student."
The benefits of marrying are enormous, and those benefits increase when marriage occurs sooner rather than later. Guarding the chastity of our youth and encouraging the birth of several children for the growth of this ummah [not to mention the fact the marriage creates an ideal scenario for man and woman to increase their chances of entering Paradise and fulfill half of their religion] are serious benefits that Muslim parents and youth need to reconsider.
Let us reclaim Islam for ourselves and share it with the world, and let us start in the home by encouraging young men and young women to marry. Let us redefine "education" and "adulthood" based upon Qur'an and Sunnah. And may Allah bless us to please Him while we are on this earth through establishing Islam in every aspect of our lives without hesitation, and may we attain Paradise, our goal. Ameen
Articles
By Baiyinah Siddeeq
Reprinted from AbuZubair.com
"I don't care if I am 55 when I finish school, I will not get married until I finish my education."
The above is a quote from a young Muslim woman pursuing what she calls her "education." Unfortunately, her strong dedication to finishing the Western undergraduate and graduate university "education" system reflects the ever-growing trend among young Muslims in this society: to wait until they posses a "degree" before entertaining the prospect of marriage. What is even more grim is the fact that these young Muslims' parents reflect the same diseased ideology.
Marriage has Become a Bad Word
Somehow, the Western system of "education" has replaced Islam as the central priority in Muslims' lives. This blind dedication to obtaining a degree is so ingrained in the Muslim family that if a daughter herself is interested in marriage, the parents will forbid the matrimony solely on the grounds that she must finish school. Thus, marriage has virtually become a bad word in several Muslim circles if that word "marriage" is at all connected with the marriage of a "daughter" who has not finished "school," i.e. "college." Of course, if she has not finished high school, marriage is beyond undesirable; it is unthinkable.
Such counterproductive thought processes are contributing to the breakdown of the Muslim ummah, and they are preventing the true establishment of Islam in our society and lives.
Every society has a foundation, and that foundation is the family. If we Muslims value obtaining Western college degrees more than we value establishing the foundation for an Islamic society, what does this say for the future of our ummah? Furthermore, what does it say about our claim that we are indeed Muslims?
It goes without saying that there is benefit to holding a college degree, but when weighed against the benefit of marriage, which is half of our religion, marriage heavily outweighs it. Thus, when we see that in the hearts and minds of Muslims the benefits or "urgency" of a college degree outweighs marriage, there is something seriously wrong in our ummah not to mention our thinking.
Although, on the surface, the issue of education versus marriage seems complex, the explanation for this phenomenon is actually quite simple: our basic values lie not in the akhira (Hereafter) but in the dunya (wordly life). Whenever we are presented with an order from Allah or His Messenger (i.e. marriage), we fulfill that order only in so much as it does not prevent us from attaining the glitter of the dunya. For many of us, if the order inconveniences our dunya too much, we ignore the order all together -- hence, the quote above. For most of us, if something must give -- dunya or akhira -- the choice is simple: akhira goes first. Hence, we have the prioritizing of school versus marriage.
Preoccupation with Age
Another phenomenon prevalent in our ummah that is weakening the foundation of our Islamic society (the family) and serves as a ground to delay marriage is Muslims' ever growing fascination with a chronological number attached to each person because that person happened to be born on a particular day in a particular year, commonly termed "age."
Somehow, we have internalized the Western definition of "childhood" and "adulthood" so much so that we frequently refer to our young adult children of marriageable age as "children" or "too young" to marry. Both the labeling of adults as "children" and the excuse that adults are "too young" to marry are phenomena that are not only new to Islam but are inventions of the modern age in general. [Editor's note: dare we forget the ages of many of the sahaabah? How Usama bin Zaid led an army in his teens, and how we had "teenage" mujaahideen?].
And just as we follow the people of the world into the "lizard hole" of "education," we follow our modern teachers (who have replaced the Prophet (saw) as our example) into the "lizard hole" of obsession with age. And just as holding a college degree has become the single most important accomplishment of the young Muslim and her family, so has age become the most significant determinant of whether or not a person is "ready" to marry.
Solutions
The question is, what do we do about it? First, we must reclaim our Islamic identity and reevaluate our purpose on this earth. When we do this honestly, we will discover that our purpose here is very straightforward: to establish Islam in our lives and then in the world at large. Everything else, such as attending a local university and obtaining a college degree, falls under the category of "accessories," i.e. "not necessary." Thus, when a Muslim is faced with the prospect of marriage, which falls under the category of "establishing Islam," there should be no hesitation, and any desired "accessory" should be pursued only in so far as Islam is pursued. As a result, there is the possible scenario of, yes, a "young married college student," or dare I say, "young married high school student."
The benefits of marrying are enormous, and those benefits increase when marriage occurs sooner rather than later. Guarding the chastity of our youth and encouraging the birth of several children for the growth of this ummah [not to mention the fact the marriage creates an ideal scenario for man and woman to increase their chances of entering Paradise and fulfill half of their religion] are serious benefits that Muslim parents and youth need to reconsider.
Let us reclaim Islam for ourselves and share it with the world, and let us start in the home by encouraging young men and young women to marry. Let us redefine "education" and "adulthood" based upon Qur'an and Sunnah. And may Allah bless us to please Him while we are on this earth through establishing Islam in every aspect of our lives without hesitation, and may we attain Paradise, our goal. Ameen
Articles
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Marriage in Islam: Considered from a Legal Point of View
Marriage in Islam: Considered from a Legal Point of View
By: Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From a legal point of view Islam views marriage as an 'aqd or contract. Like any other contract the marriage contract requires full and free consent of the parties concerned. The parents or guardian of any of the parties may give advice, choose a marriage partner or use persuasion, but the final decision to enter into a marriage must be the result of a free choice on the part of each partner, even though this freely made choice may consist of nothing but accepting the choice of one's parents or guardian. This right of free choice is fairly well recognized in the case of men but (unfortunately) not in the case of women. In the Holy Qur`an we read:
"Do not inherit women against their will" (4:19)
And in Hadith we find traditions like the following:
"Khansa bint Khidhan who had a previous marriage, related that when her father married her and she disapproved of that, she went to the Messenger of God and he revoked her marriage." (Bukhari, Ibn Majah)
"A [girl who was not married] came to the Messenger of God and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice." (Abu Da'ud, on the authority of Ibn 'Abbas)
Just as any adult can enter into any legal contract, so also any adult man or woman can arrange his or her own marriage, provided that during the process of arranging the marriage there is no sexual contact, in other words, there is no dating in the North American style. It is well known that Khadijah, the Prophet's first wife arranged her own marriage with the Prophet. It is true that this happened before sayyadna Muhammad received prophethood. But if an arrangement by a woman of her own marriage were so shameful in the eyes of Allah as it is in the eyes of some Muslims, then He would have somehow prevented His Messenger from such a marriage. Moreover, there are some ahadith which show that even after receiving prophethood sayyadna Muhammad did not disapprove of women arranging their own marriage. We quote here one such hadith:
"A woman came to the Messenger of God and offered herself to him (in marriage). When she had stood for a long time (without receiving an answer) a man got up and said: Messenger of God! Marry her to me if you have no need of her. He asked the man if he had anything to give her as dower (marriage gift), and when he replied that he had nothing but the lower garment he was wearing, the Prophet said: Look for something, even though it be an iron ring. Then when the man had searched and found nothing, God's Messenger asked him whether he new anything of the Qur`an. When the man replied that he knew Surah so and so and Surah so and so, God's Messenger said: Go away, I give her to you in marriage. Teach her some of the Qur`an." (Bukhari and Muslim on the authority of Sahl bin Sa'd)
In this hadith a woman is arranging her own marriage but the Prophet does not rebuke her or admonish her in any other way. Thus while it may not be the best thing for a woman to do, she can if she wishes, make a marriage proposal for herself without being blameworthy in the eyes of God.
What are the terms involved in the marriage contract? This contract involves two things: First, a gift from the husband to the wife, which may be a sum of money, an object of some value such as a ring or such non-material things as acceptance of Islam or teaching a part of the Qur`an(1). Second, a commitment from both parties to try to make life physically comfortable for each other and to provide emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness to each other, with the responsibility for taking care of economic needs generally falling on the shoulders of the man.(2)
At the time of the marriage both partners should have the fullest possible intention of keeping the marriage commitment for life, although under some extreme circumstances it may perhaps be possible to enter into a marriage contract on a temporary basis.(3)
Even though the marriage commitment is for life, should it so happen that after marriage the two partners find it impossible to live together the Islamic law provides for the termination of the marriage contract. The termination of the marriage contract can be initiated by any party which has decided that the other party cannot or will not satisfactorily fulfill the commitment implicit in the marriage contract, namely, to provide enough physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness. It is evident that the judgment as to whether a marriage partner is getting enough satisfaction out of his or her marriage is a subjective one and therefore belongs entirely to the partner himself or herself. Consequently, for the dissolution of marriage Islam does not require that a partner prove to some authority such as a court that there has indeed been a failing on the part of the other partner in the fulfillment of his or her marital obligations. It is enough for the dissatisfied partner to say that he or she can no longer love or respect the other partner to be able to continue living with him or her. Third parties such as relatives, the community, etc. can and indeed should (4:35) get involved at some stage of marriage difficulties and try to prevent the break-up of the marriage through counseling, etc.; but they cannot oblige any marriage partner to remain in the marriage bond, as for example the catholic church or the Hindu tradition that obliges couples to remain tied in marriage until one of the partners dies.
A man can on his own dissolve the marriage by following a prescribed procedure, the details of which need not concern us here. A woman can dissolve the marriage by asking the husband to divorce her and if he refuses can go to court which should arrange the terms of dissolution as regards to compensation and order the husband to dissolve the marriage.(4) To avoid this procedure the woman can include in the marriage contract the condition that she can dissolve the marriage without having to go to court.
The party which initiates the divorce may have to pay some compensation to the other party. This compensation may be the return of the marriage gift in the case of a woman initiating the divorce(5) and payment of an alimony in the case of a man taking that step.(6) Again, the details of these matters are out of the scope of this article.
THE DEGREE BY WHICH THE HUSBAND HAS GREATER RIGHT
In the above outline of the legal view of marriage in Islam, man and women are completely equal partners except in the following respects:
1) Both parties make the equal responsibility to provide physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness to each other, but men generally have the added responsibility to provide for the economic needs of the wife.
2) In case the husband initiates divorce, he is obliged by religious law to pay some maintenance expenses (2:241). This prescribed alimony belongs to the wife by right. However, when the woman initiates the divorce she does not pay any compensation to the husband as requirement of religious law; she need at most return part of what she received from the husband as dower if such payment is helpful in an amicable settlement. (2:229)
3) A man can divorce his wife on his own while a woman needs to go through court or introduce into the marriage a clause giving her the right to divorce her husband.
In regard to the above differences the Holy Qur`an says:
"And (wives) shall have rights similar to those (the husbands have) over them, in accordance with justice, (except that) husbands' rights are a degree greater." (2:228)
"Husbands are guardians (qawwamun) of wives because God has favoured some more than others and because they (i.e. husbands generally) spend out of their wealth." (4:34)
The first of the above two Qur`anic statements occurs in a long passage dealing with divorce and should be understood in relation to that context. The degree by which husband's rights are greater should therefore be understood as the degree by which the husband is freer than the wife to break the marriage bond. This, however, is not a very big degree since as stated earlier the wife can get out of the marriage bond whenever she wants to, practically without giving any reason. It is only that she has to follow a more indirect procedure.
The second Qur`anic statement refers to the greater responsibility husbands generally have as protectors and providers of women and to the greater say this gives them in making decisions.
The fact that husbands' rights are a degree greater does not effect the claim that in Islam men and women have equal rights, since men's greater rights within the marriage relationship do not mean that men also enjoy greater rights outside that relationship and since within the marriage relationship men's greater rights are completely justified by their greater responsibility. We must remember here that whenever we talk about members of a society having equal rights it is never precluded that members of that society cannot freely enter into terminable arrangements in which some take greater responsibility and therefore also have greater rights. Equality of rights can only be asserted on the assumption of equality of responsibility. This principle sometimes works in favour of women. For example, as mothers women give much more to children than do men as fathers and so Islam recognizes greater rights of mothers over children than of fathers except where economic considerations demand otherwise.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notes
(1)See the hadith quoted earlier in which the dower for marriage consists of the husband teaching a portion of the Holy Qur`an to the wife. In the following hadith it consists of the husband accepting Islam:
"Umm Sulaym had become a Muslim before Abu Talha and when he asked her in marriage she said: "I have become a Muslim. so if you also become one I shall marry you." Abu Talha accepted Islam and that was the dower arranged between them." (Nasa'i on the authority of Anas)
This hadith also supports the view that men and women can arrange their own marriage.
(2)See Qur`an 4:34. The wife can, however, with her own free will choose to share part of the economic burden. Khadijah helped the Prophet and Asma, the daughter of Abu Bakr, helped her poor husband Zubayr.
(3)This is the shi'a view. Sunni traditions admit that temporary marriage was at some point in time allowed in Islam but say that this was later forbidden.
(4)See Qur`an 2:229 in the light of the following hadith:
By: Dr. Ahmad Shafaat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From a legal point of view Islam views marriage as an 'aqd or contract. Like any other contract the marriage contract requires full and free consent of the parties concerned. The parents or guardian of any of the parties may give advice, choose a marriage partner or use persuasion, but the final decision to enter into a marriage must be the result of a free choice on the part of each partner, even though this freely made choice may consist of nothing but accepting the choice of one's parents or guardian. This right of free choice is fairly well recognized in the case of men but (unfortunately) not in the case of women. In the Holy Qur`an we read:
"Do not inherit women against their will" (4:19)
And in Hadith we find traditions like the following:
"Khansa bint Khidhan who had a previous marriage, related that when her father married her and she disapproved of that, she went to the Messenger of God and he revoked her marriage." (Bukhari, Ibn Majah)
"A [girl who was not married] came to the Messenger of God and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice." (Abu Da'ud, on the authority of Ibn 'Abbas)
Just as any adult can enter into any legal contract, so also any adult man or woman can arrange his or her own marriage, provided that during the process of arranging the marriage there is no sexual contact, in other words, there is no dating in the North American style. It is well known that Khadijah, the Prophet's first wife arranged her own marriage with the Prophet. It is true that this happened before sayyadna Muhammad received prophethood. But if an arrangement by a woman of her own marriage were so shameful in the eyes of Allah as it is in the eyes of some Muslims, then He would have somehow prevented His Messenger from such a marriage. Moreover, there are some ahadith which show that even after receiving prophethood sayyadna Muhammad did not disapprove of women arranging their own marriage. We quote here one such hadith:
"A woman came to the Messenger of God and offered herself to him (in marriage). When she had stood for a long time (without receiving an answer) a man got up and said: Messenger of God! Marry her to me if you have no need of her. He asked the man if he had anything to give her as dower (marriage gift), and when he replied that he had nothing but the lower garment he was wearing, the Prophet said: Look for something, even though it be an iron ring. Then when the man had searched and found nothing, God's Messenger asked him whether he new anything of the Qur`an. When the man replied that he knew Surah so and so and Surah so and so, God's Messenger said: Go away, I give her to you in marriage. Teach her some of the Qur`an." (Bukhari and Muslim on the authority of Sahl bin Sa'd)
In this hadith a woman is arranging her own marriage but the Prophet does not rebuke her or admonish her in any other way. Thus while it may not be the best thing for a woman to do, she can if she wishes, make a marriage proposal for herself without being blameworthy in the eyes of God.
What are the terms involved in the marriage contract? This contract involves two things: First, a gift from the husband to the wife, which may be a sum of money, an object of some value such as a ring or such non-material things as acceptance of Islam or teaching a part of the Qur`an(1). Second, a commitment from both parties to try to make life physically comfortable for each other and to provide emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness to each other, with the responsibility for taking care of economic needs generally falling on the shoulders of the man.(2)
At the time of the marriage both partners should have the fullest possible intention of keeping the marriage commitment for life, although under some extreme circumstances it may perhaps be possible to enter into a marriage contract on a temporary basis.(3)
Even though the marriage commitment is for life, should it so happen that after marriage the two partners find it impossible to live together the Islamic law provides for the termination of the marriage contract. The termination of the marriage contract can be initiated by any party which has decided that the other party cannot or will not satisfactorily fulfill the commitment implicit in the marriage contract, namely, to provide enough physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness. It is evident that the judgment as to whether a marriage partner is getting enough satisfaction out of his or her marriage is a subjective one and therefore belongs entirely to the partner himself or herself. Consequently, for the dissolution of marriage Islam does not require that a partner prove to some authority such as a court that there has indeed been a failing on the part of the other partner in the fulfillment of his or her marital obligations. It is enough for the dissatisfied partner to say that he or she can no longer love or respect the other partner to be able to continue living with him or her. Third parties such as relatives, the community, etc. can and indeed should (4:35) get involved at some stage of marriage difficulties and try to prevent the break-up of the marriage through counseling, etc.; but they cannot oblige any marriage partner to remain in the marriage bond, as for example the catholic church or the Hindu tradition that obliges couples to remain tied in marriage until one of the partners dies.
A man can on his own dissolve the marriage by following a prescribed procedure, the details of which need not concern us here. A woman can dissolve the marriage by asking the husband to divorce her and if he refuses can go to court which should arrange the terms of dissolution as regards to compensation and order the husband to dissolve the marriage.(4) To avoid this procedure the woman can include in the marriage contract the condition that she can dissolve the marriage without having to go to court.
The party which initiates the divorce may have to pay some compensation to the other party. This compensation may be the return of the marriage gift in the case of a woman initiating the divorce(5) and payment of an alimony in the case of a man taking that step.(6) Again, the details of these matters are out of the scope of this article.
THE DEGREE BY WHICH THE HUSBAND HAS GREATER RIGHT
In the above outline of the legal view of marriage in Islam, man and women are completely equal partners except in the following respects:
1) Both parties make the equal responsibility to provide physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual happiness to each other, but men generally have the added responsibility to provide for the economic needs of the wife.
2) In case the husband initiates divorce, he is obliged by religious law to pay some maintenance expenses (2:241). This prescribed alimony belongs to the wife by right. However, when the woman initiates the divorce she does not pay any compensation to the husband as requirement of religious law; she need at most return part of what she received from the husband as dower if such payment is helpful in an amicable settlement. (2:229)
3) A man can divorce his wife on his own while a woman needs to go through court or introduce into the marriage a clause giving her the right to divorce her husband.
In regard to the above differences the Holy Qur`an says:
"And (wives) shall have rights similar to those (the husbands have) over them, in accordance with justice, (except that) husbands' rights are a degree greater." (2:228)
"Husbands are guardians (qawwamun) of wives because God has favoured some more than others and because they (i.e. husbands generally) spend out of their wealth." (4:34)
The first of the above two Qur`anic statements occurs in a long passage dealing with divorce and should be understood in relation to that context. The degree by which husband's rights are greater should therefore be understood as the degree by which the husband is freer than the wife to break the marriage bond. This, however, is not a very big degree since as stated earlier the wife can get out of the marriage bond whenever she wants to, practically without giving any reason. It is only that she has to follow a more indirect procedure.
The second Qur`anic statement refers to the greater responsibility husbands generally have as protectors and providers of women and to the greater say this gives them in making decisions.
The fact that husbands' rights are a degree greater does not effect the claim that in Islam men and women have equal rights, since men's greater rights within the marriage relationship do not mean that men also enjoy greater rights outside that relationship and since within the marriage relationship men's greater rights are completely justified by their greater responsibility. We must remember here that whenever we talk about members of a society having equal rights it is never precluded that members of that society cannot freely enter into terminable arrangements in which some take greater responsibility and therefore also have greater rights. Equality of rights can only be asserted on the assumption of equality of responsibility. This principle sometimes works in favour of women. For example, as mothers women give much more to children than do men as fathers and so Islam recognizes greater rights of mothers over children than of fathers except where economic considerations demand otherwise.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notes
(1)See the hadith quoted earlier in which the dower for marriage consists of the husband teaching a portion of the Holy Qur`an to the wife. In the following hadith it consists of the husband accepting Islam:
"Umm Sulaym had become a Muslim before Abu Talha and when he asked her in marriage she said: "I have become a Muslim. so if you also become one I shall marry you." Abu Talha accepted Islam and that was the dower arranged between them." (Nasa'i on the authority of Anas)
This hadith also supports the view that men and women can arrange their own marriage.
(2)See Qur`an 4:34. The wife can, however, with her own free will choose to share part of the economic burden. Khadijah helped the Prophet and Asma, the daughter of Abu Bakr, helped her poor husband Zubayr.
(3)This is the shi'a view. Sunni traditions admit that temporary marriage was at some point in time allowed in Islam but say that this was later forbidden.
(4)See Qur`an 2:229 in the light of the following hadith:
Monday, 21 February 2011
NIKAH: WIFE'S OBLIGATIONS
NIKAH: WIFE'S OBLIGATIONS
by Ml I Khamisa for Al-Jamiat Magazine
Many prospective wives seem to have their hopes dashed after they enter into the contract of marriage. Once the honeymoon is over, suddenly things are not so rosy any more, and the reality of married life seems to be a far cry from the Haraam movies which many have been watching or the novels which end up with ‘and they lived happily ever after’. In a world where it has become fashionable to engage in immoral activities and illicit relationships, it is becoming increasingly difficult to convince people that marriage is an important component of a pure society.
What guidelines does the Shariáh give the wife to help cement the relationship between herself and her husband?
The Qurãn in Surah Shuáraa (v74), describes the prayer of the pious in the following manner: ‘Oh our lord! Grant us wives and offspring who will be the joy and comfort of our eyes.’ The explanation of the above verse is clearly illustrated in the beautiful words of Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) (as narrated by ibn Abbaas) ‘The best woman (wife) is the one whom, when you look at her she pleases you, when you command her she obeys you, when you are not in her presence she safeguards herself and your belongings.’
Today, the wife adorns herself for weddings and other social events, beautifying herself to attract the attention of everyone else besides the one who is most important in her life. The husband comes home tired from work, only to find his wife shabbily dressed, too glued to the drama on TV to even reply to the Salaam of her husband. Meal times and other household duties are dictated by the box. The children are sent away to their rooms with the words ‘Go to your room and read your Qurãn - or finish up your homework.’ These words, mind you, are not uttered because of some great concern for the child’s education; in fact it is only mentioned to get them out of the way.
Remember! Your children may not do what you ask them to do, but they very often do what they see you do. What kind of example are we setting for these impressionable young minds?
Unrealistic demands made by the wife do not help much to strengthen the marital bond. Being dictated by fashion and the way the people next door are living, the wife forces the husband to beg and borrow just to keep up with the Jones’s. ‘If your brother’s wife can have it, then why can’t I?’ ‘Well your sister has it in her house.’ Comparing ourselves with those who have more than us does not help to relieve tension between husband and wife. The words of Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) beautifully explain:
‘Look at those who have less than you, do not look at those who have more than you, (if you do so) then you are more likely to appreciate Allah’s favours upon you.’
If a man had to choose a wife according to the guidelines given by Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam), what kind of a person was he to look for? The Hadith states: ‘A woman is married for four (things); her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So choose (marry) the religious woman, otherwise you will be a loser.’
The most important quality of the wife is consciousness of her Islamic responsibilities. How Deeni conscious are you? How supportive are you of your husband when he is engaged in Deeni activities? Are you preventing him from serving humanity?
The Qurãn in Surah Rum (v21) explains the purpose of marriage as a source of comfort for both partners. No one has married ‘Mr Perfect’ and no one is perfect! Are you making the environment in the home conducive to living in peace and harmony or does your husband feel that he rather be at work than at home with you?
What degree of obedience does the Shariáh command the wife to have for her husband? A Hadith of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) explains, ‘If I had to command anyone to prostrate to somebody, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate before her husband.’ However, if your husband commands you to do something against the Shariáh you do not have to obey him.
If the objectives of both husband and wife are to please Allah, the couple will find more common ground on which to build the relationship.
by Ml I Khamisa for Al-Jamiat Magazine
Many prospective wives seem to have their hopes dashed after they enter into the contract of marriage. Once the honeymoon is over, suddenly things are not so rosy any more, and the reality of married life seems to be a far cry from the Haraam movies which many have been watching or the novels which end up with ‘and they lived happily ever after’. In a world where it has become fashionable to engage in immoral activities and illicit relationships, it is becoming increasingly difficult to convince people that marriage is an important component of a pure society.
What guidelines does the Shariáh give the wife to help cement the relationship between herself and her husband?
The Qurãn in Surah Shuáraa (v74), describes the prayer of the pious in the following manner: ‘Oh our lord! Grant us wives and offspring who will be the joy and comfort of our eyes.’ The explanation of the above verse is clearly illustrated in the beautiful words of Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) (as narrated by ibn Abbaas) ‘The best woman (wife) is the one whom, when you look at her she pleases you, when you command her she obeys you, when you are not in her presence she safeguards herself and your belongings.’
Today, the wife adorns herself for weddings and other social events, beautifying herself to attract the attention of everyone else besides the one who is most important in her life. The husband comes home tired from work, only to find his wife shabbily dressed, too glued to the drama on TV to even reply to the Salaam of her husband. Meal times and other household duties are dictated by the box. The children are sent away to their rooms with the words ‘Go to your room and read your Qurãn - or finish up your homework.’ These words, mind you, are not uttered because of some great concern for the child’s education; in fact it is only mentioned to get them out of the way.
Remember! Your children may not do what you ask them to do, but they very often do what they see you do. What kind of example are we setting for these impressionable young minds?
Unrealistic demands made by the wife do not help much to strengthen the marital bond. Being dictated by fashion and the way the people next door are living, the wife forces the husband to beg and borrow just to keep up with the Jones’s. ‘If your brother’s wife can have it, then why can’t I?’ ‘Well your sister has it in her house.’ Comparing ourselves with those who have more than us does not help to relieve tension between husband and wife. The words of Nabi (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) beautifully explain:
‘Look at those who have less than you, do not look at those who have more than you, (if you do so) then you are more likely to appreciate Allah’s favours upon you.’
If a man had to choose a wife according to the guidelines given by Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam), what kind of a person was he to look for? The Hadith states: ‘A woman is married for four (things); her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So choose (marry) the religious woman, otherwise you will be a loser.’
The most important quality of the wife is consciousness of her Islamic responsibilities. How Deeni conscious are you? How supportive are you of your husband when he is engaged in Deeni activities? Are you preventing him from serving humanity?
The Qurãn in Surah Rum (v21) explains the purpose of marriage as a source of comfort for both partners. No one has married ‘Mr Perfect’ and no one is perfect! Are you making the environment in the home conducive to living in peace and harmony or does your husband feel that he rather be at work than at home with you?
What degree of obedience does the Shariáh command the wife to have for her husband? A Hadith of Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Álayhi Wasallam) explains, ‘If I had to command anyone to prostrate to somebody, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate before her husband.’ However, if your husband commands you to do something against the Shariáh you do not have to obey him.
If the objectives of both husband and wife are to please Allah, the couple will find more common ground on which to build the relationship.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)